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This year on my birthday...
Thursday, July 31, 2008 9:20 PM

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You do your things and I'll do mine
Monday, July 28, 2008 9:33 PM

Sometimes life gets to a point where you just get stuck and you just couldn't move anywhere. And sometimes you thought you were going somewhere, you thought you knew how everything is going to turn out but you got to rewind and just start all over again.

It's always this way for me and sometimes I get tired of it. It's like I am constantly on a rollercoaster ride and it has not stop and therefore I could not alight. This is not my choice and life in inevitable and I just hope that things could be easier, clearer and simpler.

At one point I could be at the highest point in my life and the next minute I rolled down that rollercoaster and be at the lowest point ever. Lots of pain, struggle and stress.

I turn 23 tomorrow and I am looking forward to that. Hopefully I'll be more wiser, smarter and be more of a thinker than a feeler.

My First Class Honours
Sunday, July 27, 2008 10:07 PM

It's one of those days where I check my email in hopes that the overall result will be posted and Sharon will be informing us. Tonight that day happened. "Stage 3 Overall Results" was the subject of the email and as I clicked away, following Sharon's instruction in the email on how to check the overall results, my fingers trembled and I could feel my heart beating quite furiously.

As soon as I got to the page, I saw that my GPA for Stage 3 was 3.7. Then I scrolled down further and realise that out of 6 modules, I scored an A for 4 of 'em. Then I scrolled down further and that was when I let out a loud gasp!

Final GPA: 3.69
Award Description: First Class Honours

I re-read that sentence a few more times until I finally informed dad and mum who was watching TV. They couldn't react straight away because they need a few more seconds to realise that First Class Honours is almost like top of the class.

The next person I informed was Jefferson. As soon as he picked up the phone we both start to blabber away and he was like "Wahlau, this is serious man!", "3.7? That is bloody high!", "I'm like so happy for you! Haha." and a few other things that I just couldn't remember because I was tearing up.

I still couldn't believe it and have just log in again just to make sure I didn't read it wrong..and it's still reads 'First Class Honours'.

I really really didn't expect it and I am so thankful for everything. Thank you Allah, thank you mum and dad, my sisters and grandma because they might have somehow made me where I am now.

Hard work really pays off!

Albert Camou once wrote...
Thursday, July 24, 2008 12:19 AM

"Bless to the hearts that can bend but you’ll never be broken.

But I wonder if there’s no breaking and there’s no healing, and if there’s no healing then there’s no learning. And if there’s no learning then there’s no struggle. But struggle is a part of life so almost all hearts must be broken."

Nice isn't it? Taken from One Tree Hill.

This Cannot Happen
Tuesday, July 22, 2008 11:31 PM

My heart just started to beat so quickly as soon as I saw him and I knew I was doomed. I was excited I could jump. I was nervous, I was happy, I was elated.

AND THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN!

How many times have I told myself to never fall for a guy who could not feel the same way? Why couldn't I just be a simple friend to a simple guy who happens to be great and amazing? Why do I have to fall for someone when they give me attention and just have the personality that really puts me to ease? Why does he have to be the guy that I have been looking for?

WHY???

Searched, found, but unknown
Monday, July 21, 2008 11:37 PM

Fadhilah-Searching for a funny, intelligent and ambitious guy

So that’s what my MSN nick said and I have received two advances so far from my friends claiming to be that guy that I am searching for. The first one was from Alvin, my poly mate, and he had me into fits of laughter for about two minutes. Then he asked why I am still single.

Second one was from Sean, my uni mate, who claimed the same thing. He got me by surprised because for the past few days before that we had been chatting and he must have already read about my supposed search. He only claimed to be “the guy” recently. As for Alvin, it was the first time I seen him online after a very long time.

Both guys told me that it is undeniable that they are funny, intelligent and ambitious and I have to say that they were right. Except maybe Sean because I’ve not really find him funny.

My intention was to direct my nick to someone who is not Alvin or Sean and I guess it caught the wrong attention. The person the nick is actually meant for asked me “Do I really have to?” when I told him about the two guys and whether he was going to tell me the same thing.

I am not sure if he meant that it was obvious that it was him or whether he meant that he isn’t the type to be so bold and tell me that he was “the guy”. I’ve not seen him for 2 weeks and it seems like the “love” has kinda gone a little. Sometimes when you don’t see the person for a long period of time, the feeling just goes away and this is something that has been bothering me for years.

I watched One Tree Hill last night and what Tim said was right: “I miss you guys. People don’t keep in touch anymore.”

Blanked out!
Sunday, July 20, 2008 10:02 PM

Oh no, as soon as I logged in I totally forgot about what I had wanted to talk about. This always has to happen which is why for the past few entries I had it written down as soon as I have something in my head. With a computer handy I could just typed it in straight away. Hmmmm...what was it??? I totally have blanked out now. Just let me ponder this through...I can't even remember what it is about..like a subject..hmmm nada. Nothing in this head of mine at the moment!

I'll come back later!

The Dark Knight
Saturday, July 19, 2008 10:43 PM

I went out with Atiqah last night and we watched The Dark Knight. I don't really fancy Batman but I wanted to watch it because of Heath Ledger. I've heard from casts and directors that he was a great Joker, that he was really crazy and is a out of the world Joker, that he was made for that role. I didn't watch for Christian Bale. But yeah I had to agree with Atiqah that he was kinda hot after watching him for 2.5 hours.

It was quite a star studded cast with Maggie Gylenhaal, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Aaron Eackhart, and Gary Oldman (AKA Sirius Black). I knew there was something uncannily familliar with Lieutenant Gordon.

Heath Ledger was really scary as Joker. He was wild and so unexpected. I had to sometimes cover my eyes because I was scared that he would do something bad and cruel and just Joker-ish.

"Why so serious? Lets put a smile on that face!"

Everytime he said that, my heart beats for his captive.

Tomorrow Batman Begins will be on Channel 5 and I am looking forward to that. The Dark Knight got me hooked.

Oops! You Did It Again.
Thursday, July 17, 2008 9:15 PM

Not everyone you met in your life turns out to be a gem of a friend. It’s rare that you meet someone genuine and someone who really wants to keep you for the rest of their life. Some people react when they see that you have met someone new. They show emotions and behaviours that allow you to see that they are jealous and that they want you to know. But then now that you are all theirs, they back away and treat you like a nobody. Why? Are you seeking attention on purpose?

I believe that there is no such thing as “I have a few best friends.” I believe that there is only one of them and the rest are your good friends. When people grow up, relationships between them become tense and strained. I’m a firm believer of loyalty (it’s just my Leo nature) and when someone betray my loyalty, I might just hate them.

However I am also someone who tends to forgive someone easily, especially if I like/love them.

Like how yesterday Bryan decided to dump me and left me waiting for him to tell me that it is time for lunch. I found out that he left at about 1230PM. He has no decency to at least tell me that like a day before. Then this morning, he has to be all Bryan and call me by that name that now everyone calls me by. I was still angry so I turned and looked at him angrily and I did not say anything or call him by that name that only I do.

I don’t know if he picks up any of that 10 seconds contact but boys being boys, I’m sure he has no idea what he has done. I don’t feel like there are any genuine intentions on his part in regards to this relationship. I think that he was never a friend. He is just someone I know from work.

Then just now he asked why I did not call him for lunch and told me to have lunch with him tomorrow. He is complicated!

I miss Joseph…lots! I don’t know how he is doing at the moment because we have not managed to get in touch since he left 8 days ago. He is one of the most sincere people I have ever met. He never fails to say hi everytime he sees me, never fails to smile at me and never fails to carve a smile on my face. There is now no more reason to log in to MSN and no more reason to have something to look forward to at work.

You know how sometimes you just feel like someone is the one and you just have no way to describe why or how? Well I think that this is how I feel now and I know I have told myself so many times not to feel this way but my heart have always conquered my brain. My feelings have always shadowed my thinking and it will always be.

Own It
Monday, July 14, 2008 9:56 PM

I was going through some quotes from One Tree Hill (because I still can't find a way to watch it online for free) and this one said by Lucas Scott got me thinking and wondering:

"Did you ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many people have pictures of you."

and one from Whitey:

"The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home."

I was thinking about growing up and how as you grow older you get invitations to someone's wedding and not birthday parties...well you do get invites for that but it's not your friend's..it's your friend's daughter or son birthday party. How fast time has pass and I still couldn't put down the fact that I have to grow up.

What?
Sunday, July 13, 2008 10:49 PM

What Bryan said to me suddenly made me realize that yeah, I have not been paying any attention to him like I used to and I am so sorry I acted that way. I told him we will have lunch one of the days next week and he happily agreed. It’s kinda and rather expected, after a few weeks for me to notice that I started to look for Joseph instead of Bryan the first thing in the morning when I arrive at my workplace.

So I have been getting my dose of One Tree Hill Season 5 and I am now stuck at episode 9. I couldn't find it on fanpop.com. Wel I did but I couldn't play it so now I am finding other ways to continue the season.

I wanted to write about something but I guess now I forgotten what it was...as usual.

Inspired
Friday, July 11, 2008 9:53 PM

Inspire (from www.dictionary.com)

Verb (used with object)
1.to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence.
2.to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc)
3.to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought
4.to influence or impel
5.to animate as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does
6.to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence
7.to guide or control by divine influence
8.to prompt or instigate (utterances, acts, etc) by influence, without avowal of responsibility
9.to give rise to, bring about, cause, etc.
10.to take (air, gases, etc) into the lungs in breathing; inhale

Tears
Wednesday, July 09, 2008 1:00 PM

I suddenly feel defeated and I don't think I like this feeling at all. I am not sure if I really like him so I kept my mouth shut and then feel like I should have just said so. Our chat was cut short because I felt sleepy and feeling a little giddy.

I feel like things could never turn out good and then I will prolly will not see him for a very very long time. When I receive a message from Joan telling me that he was at the airport checking in his things, that did it. I dunno where it came from but the unwanted tears start to roll down my cheeks. I had to rush to my room and lay down for a while...

I am ok now and will be ok.

Hey Stranger
Tuesday, July 08, 2008 10:40 PM

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You're such a nagger and I am such a pretty little babe...thanks!

Bye-bye stranger.

Saturday Night Fright
Monday, July 07, 2008 9:59 PM

Saturday was quite a fright when Nur suddenly shouted for Effa’s help to check on Nyai’s head. I was looking forward to ‘The Return of the Kings’ so I ignored her scream and continued to sit on the sofa and had my eyes fixed on the TV. Then Effa had to scream for help from mum and that got me up from the sofa and I ran to Nyai’s room.

She had a deep and long cut on the top right of her head and it looks gruesome…I couldn’t think of another word. We asked her what happened but she said that she doesn’t know.

Earlier on all of us except Nyai went out for Swensen’s. Effa and me went back home first and we didn’t realise anything. None of us did when we got home. Nur even woke Nyai up to solat Maghrib and she said she did not realise anything. When Nyai got Nur to check her head, Nur said the pillow was soaking blood and her head was bleeding.

Nyai couldn’t remember anything and it made us panic. We rushed her to the A&E at CGH. I had no experience in all of these stuff but people like mum and dad are relying on me to settle everything. So I registered Nyai, get her to the Nurses’ station where they wrapped her head in heavy bandage, answered the questions from a nurse, waited for about 15 minutes for our number to be call and wheeled Nyai into the doctor’s room. Mum and I went in and we explained to the doctor everything that we could. We then move on to wait for another half an hour for Nyai to go into the Operation Theatre and while waiting I was looking at all those good looking male medics who came in and out of the A&E.

Then I had to sign papers for Nyai to get admitted (the doctor was asking whether I am 21 yet. You know I have this effect on people…they think I’m young and good old Effa is older than me. Thank you Allah for making me look younger than Effa..sorry Effa). By the time all of these was done it was approximately 1115PM. I was yawning a lot as we waited for the bus to go home.

The next day, Nyai was thankfully back and quite well although she still looks fragile, at about 330PM. We had guests coming in visiting Nyai and giving her their well wishes up till 8PM. I was tired and sleepy and now I am at work with my eyes barely able to open.

Anyway on a side note, I bought Bryan a birthday gift. He turned 26 (I think) yesterday. He immediately opened it and said he like it. He then go on to try on the shirts (and model it for me) and told me again, that he like it. Well I’m glad he did and I’m glad I bought the right size. It fits him just nice. :)

The Charmer
Saturday, July 05, 2008 4:01 PM

When I thought of that particular sentence that he said, my eyes began to threaten with a cloud of tears but I immediately wiped that image out of my head.

“My things are all packed into boxes.”

This sentence sent a gust of wind on my face and then I realise, with a heavy heart that he is really moving away. He said he doesn’t want any goodbyes or sending away. But it felt like a goodbye. Like seriously, we will not be able to keep close in touch because he said that the internet connection over in Thailand is really slow. And the fact that he said “I’ll come back during Christmas…maybe. I’ll try.”

I have a feeling that he won’t be able to turn up for our annual barbeque session in August.

Dinner on Friday was lovely. We went to House of Sudanese at Great World. He was late…again. Joan was saying that now we know he is not the punctual kind of guy, we shouldn’t rush at all the next time. Then we thought sadly that there won’t be any next time for a long time.

We ate, talked and laughed for one and a half hour. Once a while we will looked at each other as he winked at me and we recalled our previous night’s one hour chat (the best chat i had for a very long time I have to add) on MSN…something about how he shouldn’t be disturbing me in September and October because of the Puasa and Raya month.

I am so attracted to him and might have just fallen for him and none of these should be happening. It should have never crossed my mind too. I think I should probably read back my last entry and get it permanently stuck in my head!

Yes my dear
Thursday, July 03, 2008 9:55 PM

So I saw you and it all seems different. I did feel a jolt but I think it only lasted for a while. Was I excited? Yes I was. I first thought that it couldn’t be you because you said that you had enough of this place. But it was you and when you gave me that familiar wave and smile that has grown to be part of my everyday, I smiled back. I kept myself calm but it wasn’t like I was going to run to you and give you a hug. Your laughter brings a familiar tingle down my spine and it always brings a smile to my face.

I feel like we could not be more than what we are because of who we are. I like you and in order for me to keep you, I’ll stop right here. You’re my friend and I hope you will always be.

Pictures!
Wednesday, July 02, 2008 8:51 PM

I know that this is like a bunch of outdated photos but I still want to post them anyway. Last week of class and we were picture-frenzy!

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I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST.....

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Dr Conall deep in thought...how cute.

I'll make sure that when we get out of the room you'll say "I'm yours".
Tuesday, July 01, 2008 10:46 PM

I told Angie I was having a headache and the fact that since yesterday all my head does was to spin everytime I got up from my chair. She went to ask whether it was because I missed Joseph (I thought I heard his laughter at work just now but of course it wasn't him. He was never going to come back to the branch). I told her that it could be the reason but seriously, I think I need a full body check up. I’ve not always been in the best of health and the verity that I’ve been coughing for two weeks makes me think whether there is more to it than just ‘a cough’.

I’m never to be the one who quickly recovers from a sickness because I am not able to take antibiotics and the reality that I am not able to consume a huge family of medicines just makes everything difficult. I always had to nurse myself back to health by eating right and resting lots but I was not able to do any of that…well just the resting part. The eating right part, I’ve tried. I stopped taking the cough syrup because it make me sleepy and Joseph said that I should prolly stop because sometimes the phlegm might just build up instead of going away. And this phlegm business is really irritating because it is just hard for me to remove it. I tried so hard to cough it out when I am at home but it just refuses to budge up from my throat. Then when I am out walking along the street or in the MRT, I started coughing and the phlegm just freely made its way up my throat ready to be spitted out. But of course it was convenient and I find spitting it into a tissue simply disgusting. And yet again one of my colleagues Jean surprised me by buying these pills from Watson which will help dissolve the phlegm. She has been telling me about the pills since last week. I was touched.

So anyway on a side note, I passed my last two papers! Yipee! Like finally...it's all done. I can;t believe 18 months have passed and I've come to the end of it. I can hardly wait for graduation.

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Fadhilah
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