I probably have said the wrong things more than I have said the right things. I probably have kept things inside my heart more than I let it out. I probably daydream more than I should have. These are the things that make me, me. These are the things that have probably helped me become who I am today. I’ve tried alternative ways of handling things that come my way.

For example I tried telling a guy that I like him and then all I get was:
“I like you too but I can’t be in a relationship at the moment. I have lots of other responsibilities.”

Then as if the previous one wasn’t a lesson I should have learnt by heart, I did it again! But you see, the situation was different this time around. I’ve known this guy for eight years and I’ve known the previous guy only for a month. And all I get was:
“I just got attached to someone.”

So now it left me wondering whether making the first move was the best thing to do in the first place. I’ve read countless books and magazines who tell me that you can’t always let the guy to be the one getting all the rejections; girls have to taste a slice of the pie too.. Sometimes guys thought that it will be easier for them if the girl just make the first move and ask them out. So how come after two times I feel like I should do it again.

Sometimes I may have read signs wrongly but why would a guy give me all these signals. JUST STOP ALREADY!!!

One time actually went well. I asked Bryan out for lunch and he immediately said yes but I guess that’s different. I wasn’t telling him that I like him. Not that I do…I think. But hey I did somehow indirectly tell him that I am interested in him. It was communicated to my colleague who then told him. But since that day I have a comfortable friendship with him eventhough all we did was call each other names. However we manage a comfortable conversation throughout one of our occasional lunches and I found out that he graduated from SP too. He was from EEE doing something to do with IT. And now he has a new haircut which reminds me of someone that I have not seen for a very very long time.

I need a sign…like a “THIS IS THE TRUTH” sign or something. I don't feel like getting hurt anymore and I know Yanping has given me several warnings about this. My dear friend is just afraid that I might start getting hurt again.

I think I fall to fast and I dived into things without thinking. And I dislike this certain character of me. But it seems like no matter how many times I reminded myself, I couldn't stop myself from doing it.

It seems like a huge part of my life is about people drifting away from me. First my primary school friends. People like Yati, Kamalia and Nazira…I have no idea what they are doing and where they are…who they are now. Then it was my secondary school friends. Mas, Faz, Hanim, Zu, Wan and Yana. I feel like secondary school was where I had the most friends and had the best of times in my life. I do still keep in touch with Yana and fate has brought us together when I met up with her at my work place, out of all places. She is just working nearby and we had gone out for a couple of lunches together.

I’m so glad I am still keeping in touch with Yanping, and Ben, my poly mates. Probably because the things I went through with my primary and secondary schoolmates were a hard lesson to learn and I wouldn’t want to repeat the same mistake all over again. AND I love them both to bits to let them drift away from me. Then there’s Atiqa and Marina whose presence in my life I’ve come to appreciate.

And now, it feels like my sister and I are losing some sisterly time. There were no more late night chit-chats on our bed before we go to sleep because her nightly routine is reserved for her princess friends as she keeps awake till 2AM msn-ing.

There shouldn’t be any surprises that people like Yanping or Atiqa (also my poly mate) would be the first to know anything that has been happening in my life because there are my first points of contact in my life right now. They are both just an email away. I’m happy about something and they will be the first to know. When I’m sad, furious or unsatisfied with things at work, they will be the ones to know all about it first.

Sometimes I guess you may find the term sisterhood with people who are not your family.When you have a sister,you are born into it but when you found a friend and found a connection with them you grew fond of it and form a tie you wouldn't want to break.

"eh tomorrow henny nye birthday la.thats my 1st priority."

The princesses will always be her first priority. Since all of these began,I somehow feel reluctant to hang out with my sister. I rather go out with Yanping or just laze around at home and do the things I like to do eg reading and writing. But of course,she is my sister and I somehow couldn't stay angry with her long. Just last week I was complaining about her to Yanping but as soon as I saw the necklace with the mirror locket I immediately thought of her and without a second thought brought it to the counter and made my payment for it.

And now, Joseph is leaving to some place called Bangkok and I do not want to lose him like I did with the others. I’m beginning to love his company and crave his presence around me. Tomorrow will be the last time that I will be seeing him and I am going to make full use of that time. Life is going to be quite quiet without him.

It’s amazing how things turned out unplanned. You meet people through means that are unconventional and then love their company to bits. But it’s unfair how fate only gives you a little amount of time to enjoy that relationship. You may lose that person or have that person meet another person who is bound to be much of a greater company than you were. You start to ponder what you may have done wrong or what you could have done better. And it’s really of no use because what has been done, we should deal with and what has not been done should just be forgotten.

Life is never easy especially when Allah gives you something challenging for you to counter and you just don’t know whether it was meant to be. Whatever He had planned, it is for your own good…it is meant for you and you should embrace and cherish it tightly.

But your heart could never feel or think like your mind does. People said you should follow your heart but will it really do any good to your life? When do you follow your mind and when do you exactly follow your heart? Is there a guidebook to this? If there is then I would probably already went to the library to get my hands on it (I don’t buy guidebooks!).

I don’t know how I feel 76.87% of the time then how can I follow my heart? I probably know 87.1% of the time what my mind tells me to do but my heart was usually not up to it. My excuses were:

“I chickened out.”
“I don’t feel its right.”
“I don’t think its right.”

I will probably remember him for a very long time and remember these in my mind all the time:

“No I won’t dance for you, because if I do, you will fall in love with me.”

“So, I’m going to miss you so you better miss me too.”

“Just don’t miss me too much or I’ll keep sneezing.”

I can still remember singing along to this song at the Click Five concert 25 days ago...it's been that long and I wish I could just go back there and enjoy it all over again. I have so many favourite songs in their sophomore album and at this moment this is all I want to listen to.

Before going home from work today, Angie, Joan and I went out to City Chain to get Joseph a farewell gift and for fun and I am sure loads of laughter, we bought a card that says "Sisters Forever". LOLX! He is the only guy so we all treat him like our own kind. Gosh I can't wait to see the reaction on his face!

So I talked to Bryan a few times today because he had to cover SDB which is just beside my office. He was asking "Ondeh-ondeh, why must you leave. I'll be sad if you leave lei." Oh how sweet of him. I played along of course. Told him that I will drop by once a while to give him my homemade ondeh-ondeh. Then now he wants lontong. This guy has a huge appetite. If he could I think he prolly would have ate 2 packets of nasi lemak on Tuesday's meeting. Just eating one got him sleeping on the sofa before he woke up for dessert. It was kind of comfortable. We switched on the TV as a background. I opened my book and started to read while he laze on the sofa and soon enough fall into a deep sleep I had to wake him up.

I prolly should go to sleep now coz I wanna catch a lil action of Spain vs Russia. I hope Spain will win.

Some people just refuse to understand the concept of beauty sleep. I say at least six hours to retain the moisture and let your skin sleep...yes you skin needs a rest too and fixing your eyes to the computer screen from 10PM up till 2AM will not fix that pimples on your face. All I could do is sigh...

I've been feeling tired lately because I have been sick. The coughing is affecting my asthma and it seems like I was not able to have a decent night sleep because of all of these. Sometimes I feel like it is hard to breathe.

People at work have been caring enough to nurse me back to health. On Monday, Joseph bought me some herbal drink for my throat. I told him I don't like it. Then the next day he gave me some Wood's Peppermint lonzenges which was extra strong and I ended up coughing lots more. Minty stuff always have a bad effect on me. I will either start sneezing or coughing. Then today Mandy gave me a small jar of honey lime for me to mix with warm water, she said it's good for my throat.

It's kinda sad that as soon as I was getting to know Joseph, he had to leave...to Thailand where he will be running his business. It's really strange how I have been in the same building as him and a few other colleagues but I only get to know them more only this year. It is really a waste becaue Joseph is a good company. We might be watching Get Smart over the weekend before he flies off to Thailand next week.

I didn't see Bryan half of the day and found out that he was on half day. That guy can really make me smile silly and now his nickname for me is 'ondeh-ondeh' coz I made some last week for him and some of my colleagues. At one point when he called me by that name, one of the Cisco guards was surprise and then Bryan went on to say "She's my ondeh-ondeh" Somehow there was a nice ring to it. The fact that he was kinda disappointed and for five seconds furious when he found out that I was "leaving" make me smile. We were just kidding around because I am not leaving but my colleague is. Til now he still doesn't know the truth and I plan for it to stay that way.

I wanted to watch some OC but there is probably something wrong with the website.I hope that this is the case and not that there is something wrong with my laptop.

So today is my 500th...like wow! I can't believe I lasted this long. I thought I should recap on what I had written for my 400th, 300th, 200th and 100th.

400th posted on 27 November 2007
I posted a video that I took in Ben's car and I advertised my collegue's Dior wallet which was selling at $150. It wasn't sold by the way, it is still with her. I was asking for recommendation on which MP3 player I should buy at the SITEX fair and I bought the Sony Walkman.

300th posted on 3 August 2007
It was the 41st day of my teeth beeing braced. I was rambling about being busy doing my CCM project...it feels like it was so long ago but it was barely a year ago! AND I saw a Wentworth Miller look alike!

200th posted on 27 June 2006
WORLD CUP 2006! I was talking about how I stayed up for all England matches and there was one particular Argentina match that I woke up to watch and was so glad I did because Aimar came in as a sub in the 75th minute. England was to meet Portugal (they lost in the end) and Argentina was to meet Germany (and Argentina lost too).

100th posted on 2 October 2005
I was talking about celebrating my grandma's birthday and watching Four Brothers AND i still can remember with who I watched with. Now he is practically non-existant in my life.

So let this be a good 500th. So that in the future if I were to do some recapping again I will remember this as the good and memorable one.

I was thinking...if someone gives you attention and you start to love it...issit wrong to keep wanting more and hopes for it everyday???I keep asking whether it was the person or the attention that I seek.

Anyway moving on, my sister and I together with dad made our way to the Night Safari on Wednesday. I drove there so we were reached in 20 minutes. It was really fun and I enjoyed the animal show (Creature of the Night) and also the Mangrove trail where bats fly freely among us. It was scary at first but it was fun in the end.

You practically walk in the dark with no lights above you and it was really really scary at first...you just need getting use to and you wil enjoy it. The otters were really cute and there was one point that they actually seek attention when they see us and I thought that they prolly thought we brought food. Sadly no.

So I recommend that everyone should try visit the Night Safari at least once. It's a good and memorable experience!

Anyway I am glad to find this skin. It only took me about 15 minutes and I was ready to post it.

I am so glad Yanping made me come shopping with her. Saturday was awesome and I have never had so much fun shopping for such a long time. I can't remember when was the last time I had bags abd bags of shopping in my arms...

All I did was shop for shoes and a present for my dad. I did not have clothes on my mind because I'm buying them from forever21.com and I already did on Saturday night. Here's what I got:


From Pretty Fit


From NOVO


From Promod

I shall now go back to some football action. I've been missing Euro 08 since it started.

I know I have not been updating for quite a while and that is mainly because I was in the OC. For three nights, all I did was log on to the internet and watch season 4 of the OC. I think Channel 5 might have telecast them but it was probably at inconvenient time like midnight or in the wee hours of the morning.

I think I'll go watch more after this cause the cable got burnt and now I have to go to Starhub tomorrow and change the box...and as usual it's always me. I didn't volunteer but i guess it's just natural that when it comes to things like this I will be the one who have to do all of it!

Bummer! Now I might not have the chance to drop by at work and finish everything that I had left undone.

So my sis is complaining that I have been going out with my friends so many times but have not gone out with her.

I guees she did not realise that at one point she was out with her so called 'princesses'...too many times, watch two movies in one week both with her coleague and went out a few times with her poly friends. As you can see, there was no me in this picture of her life.

I don't think I complained...not even once. The only thing I remembered doing was nagging at her for going out so much. And I am sure that when she reads this, she is prolly gonna deny or maybe try to explain herself.

So tell me, should I even feel any guilt on any nerve of my body that I made plans with my friend?

I THINK NOT...

The lives of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte couldn't be anymore exciting when you only started watching it like last Thursday. My colleagues and I made a date to watch the movie and I'm so glad we did.

Now I am finding a way to catch all the seasons. I heard that one of my colleagues have all the season on DVD so I am gonna get it from her.

The movie was deliciously satisfying and I have to say that I do not mind watching it the second time. The fact that it is rated M18 I think is appropriate.

I don't remember being this tired because of work. The last time I left the office that late was about two years ago. This pref shares thing got almost everyone nuts!

On Monday, second of June, I left the office at about 1030PM and I was in the office by 815 everyday. My buddy is not here for two weeks so I will be covering her and RMs have lots of things for me to do.

Now I have to be up for another week of rushing around like a mad woman. I suddenly have no energy to give a recap of what had happened the week that just passed. I'll move on to more fun stuff.

You know who sometimes things just bug you out of your head but it just feels like you don’t actually know what it is? You feel lifeless…and then you feel like tons of bricks are on your shoulder for you to carry and it will never be lifted off.

Sometimes I wonder why people just don’t have a sense of responsibility. They don’t prioritize and they live for themselves. They do things that are fun to satisfy themselves and leave all the shit work on you.

I feel like that prolly every single time and I feel like there’s just this responsibility that I am taking and no one is willing to share with me. Do I have to be the big sister all the time? Do I have to be the one taking care of everything? Do I really have to shoulder of every single damn thing?

At this moment I feel sick of everything! It feels like my responsibilities keep growing and no one want a slice of the ‘responsibility pie’.

It was 1st of June 2008. I was in the indoor stadium for five American guys to do their thing on stage. I was tired because I didn't get anough sleep the previous night...I was in fact yawning a few times.





At 805PM, The Muttons announced that the guys will be on stage in 15 minutes time. Fifteen minutes later, lights started to dim and girls started to scream. The Click Five was on the screen and when the curtains were pulled down to reveal them, I was almost on my feet. They made a great start by opening with Flipside and I have to say that Kyle sounds really good live. He has a great voice.





I was quite surprised they include Good Day, Just The Girl and Catch Your Wave into the tour since Kyle wasn't the one who sang it in the previous album. However it was all awesome!





I love it when Joe, Ben, Ethan and Joey did their solo. Joe is a damn talented guitarist. Ben is a mad scientist and fun to watch. Ethan is sexy cool (just coz I love him). Joey is a fantastic drummer!



I thought they will not be showing Headlight Disco which is one of my favourite songs in the album. But the guys decided to be cheeky and left the stage at about 945PM leaving us craving for more. They come out five minutes later and did Jenny and Headlight Disco. They did not do two songs from the album though and I would love to hear them perform Mary Jane. There were two songs that were not in the album...nope make that three. One was called Summertime which is now number 11 on 987FM and the other two were written by Ben and Ethan.



I had lots of fun and was on a high note that night. I now am crazy about the Click Five than I was ever before. I'll leave you now with a 12 minute video which I edited to include my favourite moments during the concert. Enjoy!

Fadhilah
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